How do we keep safe as humans?

In my last piece, I explored the question:

How do we thrive as humans?

I started with the very beginning: our physiological needs and the early experiences that teach our developing nervous systems whether the world feels fundamentally safe.

Maslow’s second level moves into safety and security: health, financial security, personal safety, stability and predictability.

But what happens when our external world is shaky?

When things change, and life feels inherently unstable?

We can’t control life:

People change, children grow, our bodies age. Relationships end, jobs are lost, our health changes. People we love become unwell. People die.

Life is not designed to stay the same, but change can bring up a whole host of emotions.

So how do we cultivate a feeling of safety within, when life is constantly changing?

As children, our brains and nervous systems are constantly learning from our experiences.

The amygdala and wider threat-detection system are developing alongside us, taking in information about the people and environments around us.

Am I safe?

Can I trust?

What do I need to do to belong?

What happens when I express a need?

A child doesn't have the capacity to objectively analyse what is happening around them, they simply experience it and their brain adapts.

We might learn to read the room, keep everyone happy, suppress our emotions, become very good at anticipating what other people need, or we might learn the opposite:

Shut down.

Withdraw.

Become fiercely independent.

Not ask for help.

Leave before we can be left.

These patterns aren't evidence that something is wrong with us; they made sense at the time.

Our brains were doing what they were designed to do: adapting to help keep us safe.

The difficulty is that the brain doesn't always know the difference between a threat happening now and something that simply reminds us of a threat from the past.

It could be a look, a tone of voice, conflict, rejection, uncertainty or an ending.

Our nervous system can respond before our thinking brain has had a chance to catch up; and so, as adults, we can find ourselves reacting to the present through the lens of the past.

We might cling to a relationship, job or identity because letting go feels unsafe.

We might over-give, people-please or stay somewhere long after our body is telling us something needs to change.

Or we might move in the opposite direction:

Leave before we can be left, reject before we can be rejected.

Move onto the next job, relationship or chapter before we've allowed ourselves to feel what has ended.

One response holds on too tightly, the other lets go too quickly: both can be ways of trying to create safety, and both can become exhausting.

This is why I believe real safety is partly an inside job.

Not because we don't need other people, we absolutely do. Healthy safety isn't complete independence. It is being able to receive support without making another person, relationship, job or circumstance entirely responsible for our wellbeing.

It is learning to hold our own reins, and that starts with getting to know ourselves.

What happens in my body when I feel threatened?

What emotions come up?

What do I automatically want to do?

Do I want to please?

Fix?

Control?

Withdraw?

Run?

Hold on?

Become completely self-reliant?

We can start to become curious about our reactions rather than immediately believing them, because an emotion is information; it isn't necessarily an instruction.

Fear doesn't always mean stop.

Anger doesn't always mean fight.

Sadness doesn't mean something has gone wrong.

Grief doesn't mean we need to go backwards.

Sometimes we simply need to feel what is here, to allow the emotion to move.

Endings in particular can be very difficult; and often we don't just lose the thing itself, we lose the identity, routine, security, purpose or belonging attached to it.

Children grow up, relationships change, jobs end, bodies change.

A version of ourselves no longer fits.

There can be grief in all of this, and grief needs space.

We don't need to cling to what is ending because we are frightened of what comes next, but we don't need to rush to replace it either.

Sometimes the most uncomfortable space is the space between what has ended and what hasn't begun yet, but that space can be where we truly learn to trust ourselves.

The beautiful thing is that we are not permanently fixed by the patterns we developed earlier in life.

The brain is capable of change; we can begin to notice what we learned to do to keep ourselves safe. We can become curious about our emotional reactions and listen to our bodies.

We can learn what safety actually feels like within us, and slowly, we can create new experiences.

I can feel fear without automatically reacting to it.

I can experience uncertainty and still be okay.

I can let something end without believing I have lost myself.

I can allow someone else to be disappointed without abandoning my own needs.

This is cycle breaking and rewiring. It’s not about forcing ourselves to think positively, nor suppressing our emotions or overriding the nervous system. It’s about becoming so much more intimate with ourselves that we have a choice.

Maslow looks at the external conditions we need to feel safe; K’nnekted explores the internal conditions that allow us to navigate an unpredictable world.

The goal isn't to make life predictable. It is to develop enough inner safety that when life changes, we don't abandon ourselves to find ‘safety’.

The rocky winds of change are never going to stop, but we can learn to trust that we can move with them.

That, to me, is where real safety begins.